Not-so-private Thoughts

Fuckity fuck fuck you mother fucking cum whore slut ass licking, shit eating mongrel bitch-man with sagging balls, microcock and man-titties.

"caredfortrout
11:44
You should really try to avoid using so many swear words in your next post. There are children on the internet too, you fuckwad"


I googled the name and apparently I'm not the only one who got that exact same message. It's kind of ironic since they call you a fuckwad.

Anyways, I didn't really see that many swear words in my older posts, so I thought I'd make up for it.

So I'm working 13hr days 3 times a week, but this week will be my last, and then school starts , w00t!
My coworker Ramon is awesome and fun to work with, so that makes the days easier. I have started seeing a new guy who lives in Chapel Hill, and he's pretty awesome. Went to the beach last weekend, got some sun and some reading done.

Took Albion to a new vet. He did fine until we were leaving, and then had another seizure. The vet gave him valium, which just made him act stoned, as opposed to whatever the other vet gave him that left him wobbly and with no bladder control. She also gave me antibiotics for him to see if it would help his sneezing.

Something I need to remember that M (the new guy)told me that he learned from a book on how to pick up women-- Never give DLV's --demonstrations of lower value. Never say anything negative about yourself or even anything that could be associated with you. Saying negative things makes you look like a negative person. I can totally see the application of this to more than just dating tho. With any kind of associations, a positive attitude about yourself and other people would make other people admire you. If you don't admit weakness, people will have a harder time finding it in you, especially if you make sure your assets are known.

Another thing to note... be an adult. That means don't be a bitch just because it feels good to act like a child again. I'm an adult. I can stand on my own and don't need to find someone to solve all my problems, so if I get mad, or have a problem, I will not be petty about it. Shrug it off or solve it, even knowing it can't always be solved to everyone's satisfaction.

Jack Handy's deep thoughts for the day :P

I hate driving.

I extremely dislike getting overly warm and sweaty and having gnats and flies walk all over me.

I am not fond of waking up at 430am. Not fond at all.

I do not care for getting home at 7pm.

I wish I was getting paid an hourly rate.

And thorns suck too.

I do love my macbook tho.

I wish I could find the time and energy to go grocery shopping.

All time is is our human notion to keep track of patterns and events, so there is no such thing as time. We can reasonably predict the past because our synapses have recorded some sensory experiences.

Damnit, I lost my train of thought. Too tired to concentrate, or even get off this damn couch to go to bed...and whenever I close my eyes I see raspberries. And the above couple sentences make no sense, which sucks, because they made sense earlier.


I need to read more. Really. Seriously. I NEED it, like an addict. I need some escapism.

I recently sold my old laptop, which left me bereft of a portable computer. So, the next evening I head to the mac store and purchase a macbook. I'd been thinking about it for quite a while... alot of people I know switching over, and my advisor and her other grad student are both mac converts. So, I did it. And so far I fucking love it. Just the little things that make you go "omg that's so cool!". There's still alot I don't know how to do, and alot I know I've heard I can do, but haven't figured out yet. But so far so good.
I opted for the black mac b/c it had a bigger harddrive. Also, becaus there was the promo going on, I got an itouch and a wireless printer. Oh naughty me.
Not sure if I'll keep the touch or try to sell it or my other ipod... especially if this new sprint phone that's coming out is worth its salt.

So as to the rest of my life, its going well. Started working at NCSU, learning about raspberries and blackberries and spending long days driving to research stations and helping pick berries. I am getting quite a farmer's tan. Gotta say though, I wish I would be working with blueberries....they are sooooo neat. Beautiful colors, and much tastier than raspberries, I think. <3

Also, I'm back to being mostly single. I'm still seeing Josh on occasion, but I we're officially "taking a break". Not exactly sure what that means, but I suppose we'll see.

My sister is engaged and I'm so thrilled! I don't think I'd be more thrilled if it was my own wedding. I get to be the maid of honor, and best of all, now she can't bitch about being 30+ and unmarried :D And they're such a cute couple. I really hope I can find something that special some day. I feel like I'm so picky, but not picky enough. I have criteria I want filled, but when it comes to it, I give alot of guys a chance that I shouldn't have, or that I know don't fit the bill. I also want to be pursued for once. Most relationships I just seem to fall into, with no real effort on the guy's part...and guys in general don't put much effort into anything it seems, especially once they see that the girl is the one doing the planning.

Anyways, enough bitching. Heading to Vegas tomorrow, yay!! So need to get my beauty sleep.
Gnite!

Yay!! I started working at NCSU yesterday. I arrived at the greenhouses to meet my advisor (and you can park for free there) and she showed me around and introduced me to her technician and picked and ate raspberries and blueberries while they talked.
Awesomeness.
The rest of the day was paperwork and registering for classes, but at the end of it I got to take home blueberries and some heirloom tomatoes! :D
For dinner me, Suz and Josh had steak, corn on the cob, salad with spinach, basil, tomato and mozarella, baked beans, and cherry cobbler :D I made the cherry cobbler from cherries that me, nathan and jason picked while we were visiting my sister's fiancee's family in VA.... very tart but very tasty. The rest of the cherries went into a mason jar with brandy to be made into another cobbler in a month.
Today I met the technician and we drove to salisbury to look over the raspberry and blackberry plots. Apparently, we happened to be there the one day a month they have free lunch--a ton of steaks and sausages, potatoes, sweet potatoes, salad, kraut, and 3 cakes :D
We don't have many raspberries yet, but I still managed to bring home a container and some strawberries as well. Also, while we were out wandering the fields, a guy who does the bee hives came up with a comb of honey and let us have some.

So in all, a great beginning! I'm excited :)

But my beautiful toes are keeping me awake. They's so purdy. Had a girl's night out w/ Melissa and Sus. We ate sushi, had pedicures, and went shopping. Is it spring that's making me so silly? I've been more social in the past 2 weeks than I have been in the past year. Dates, dinners, casual encounters, not so casual encounters, new people, old people. It's fun...but I really hope I get the chance to read for a few solid hours this weekend...on the beach or by the pool. Me and my novio are heading down to Wilmington for a long weekend.

Remember:
cat litter
cat food
bc
bathing suit
underwear

Ok, I have a long day tomorrow if I want to take friday off. Must put down lap top.....

Yeah, I know I posted this on my Myspace, but I thought it should be shared:

So today I'm running a multiplex ELISA on homogenized brain tissue cultures. I grab the samples from one building, bring it over to the other where the equipment is, and realize I've forgotten some buffer for the assay. I hurry back to the other building, grab the tube, and look at the label to make sure it's the right stuff. The label says Homo Butter. The curve of the tube had caused whoever wrote the label to leave off the top of the f's.

I thought it was funny so I'd share. :-)

Got an email from an AOL account saying my application is under review.... oh hell, lemme just post the email
"Thank you for submitting your application to pursue a Ph.D. degree at NC State University. Your application has been forwarded to the Center for Plant Breeding and Applied Plant Genomics and has been considered by the Center's evaluation/review committee. This committee has recommended that you be admitted into the Graduate School at NC State University. However, no decision has been made by this committee regarding your eligibility to receive one of the fellowships or assistantships funded through the Center.

Your application remains under review by the Center committee. A decision will be made by February 15, 2008."

So I guess that means I've been accepted but they may or may not give me money to go...?

lol.

Anywho, yay!! I guess I'm half way there!

Me and R have broken up. I think he did more of the breaking tho... But it really probably wouldn't have worked out. We talked about it, and we want different things from a relationship. And there are also massive communication issues. I do something that pisses him off, he clams up and doesn't say anything about it, he's just angry in silence. So this makes me insecure... I know there's something wrong and I imagine everything from him just being in a bad mood to him cheating on me. So I needle him, trying to get some reassurances out of him, trying to get him to say, no, you are sexy, no, I do really like you, no, there's no one else. But he takes offense instead and just gets angrier and more withdrawn. Rinse and repeat.
So now he's spending the night at his friend's and is looking for apartments.
I know there's a silver lining. I woke up this morning stretched out across my bed to sunlight coming in the windows and my cat next to me feeling rested and relaxed. Usually I'm crowded to my side of the bed in a very dark room with no cat cause R is allergic, and if I'm woken up, its by him grinding his teeth.
But I still miss him. I have a bad tendency to make the person I'm with the center of my universe. I just imagine my perfect mate to be someone who I do everything with, and who wants to do everything with me. My parents are my standard for how relationships should be. So I try too hard to find that, and now I'm left with not knowing what to do with myself. I still want to watch movies with him or play WoW. I still want to talk to him. He was my best friend for over a year. It's hard to move on. It's hard to not contact him and try to get him to hang out with me. But if I do that, I'll probably want more. I know we probably shouldn't see each other for a while, ate least until I'm used to being single again. But its so hard.

I want a woman President.

And I liked Bill... and Hilary doesn't seem half bad.

In other news, I'm thinking of asking for LASIK for xmas... or money for LASIK, anyways. Had a free consultation where they poked at my eyes and put them on 4 different machines and they said I'd be a good candidate, we can fit you in Nov 20, the price is 4k. No bcbs discount.
Sooo I'm gonna check out another place that does take bcbs and see if its any cheaper.

Things are doing better w/ R and I. Now that I've gotten over the shock of him not being as madly in love with me as I am/was with him, I've had time to reflect and start building the wall back up around my heart. I won't be so unguarded again. I still wish he had more affection for me, but I'm just playing the waiting game until one of us decides. I've been considering what a friend told me: I should have a guy who's madly in love with me, who wants to be with me, talk to me, all the time. And I've been thinking, that'd be really nice....

Grad school apps are coming closer to completion. I have one more recommendation to get. NCSU and UArizona both have my GRE's on file. My statement is almost done, although I had Melissa review it, and she seemed to make alot of comments.... I haven't done much with UFlorida, since its last on my list.

Oh yes, and I've acquired an addiction for Bojangles....*drool* chicken supremes are so tasty...

So all last week my stomach was in knots. I didn't know how to act around R, didn't know if whatever I did or said would be the wrong things. And apparently I did say the wrong things, because Friday he came home and I told him how upset I'd been the past week, told him I don't understand how he can have moved in and expected to have a LESS serious relationship. And so he agreed and said he moved in for the wrong reasons, and he told me he had decided to move out, that moving in was a mistake.
Ouch ouch ouch ouch.
I couldn't understand. We'd been together a year, isn't that enough time to decide whether or not he wanted to get serious about me? All that time I thought his feelings for me were on par with my own. He said he has a tough time letting people in, it takes a long time. The only person he truly has "let in" is his friend he met in elementary school. So, another thing I can't understand. I'm not sure what "letting in" means. Is it really possible to date someone a year and not "let them in"? Of is a bullshit way of saying, hey, I really like you, but I just don't think you're the one?

I can understand that he may feel smothered because I'm trying to stay connected to him by calling him and asking what he did during the day. It's definitely a push-pull situation. I do something he doesn't like, he pulls away, I sense him being distant and push harder, trying to figure out what's wrong, trying to alleviate my own paranoia, and he pulls further away. There may be no end to the cycle.

He also says he gets in funky moods during October.
*sigh* Who knows. Everyone I try to explain the situation to say he's either 1) Cheating on me 2) getting ready to cheat on me or 3) taking advantage of me.
Well, I have my doubts and paranoia's, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of all. We talked some more, and we are going to give things another shot. I feel hope since this is our first "big" argument, but he expresses pessimism. Hopefully he will actually be trying, not just staying with me a little longer to help cushion the fall when he does let me go. As it is, a lot will be up to him. I will just have to walk around with this sword of Damocles hanging over me.
But, things will work out, one way or another. Oh cruel karma, coming to collect on all those times I didn't open myself up to the guy I was dating...and now I do and pay the price for being unguarded.

I've decided I'm scared of everything. I hope it's because I'm pmsing. But I'm scared of applying to grad school, scared of going to grad school, scared of being in grad school, scared of this relationship failing, scared of not being able to keep up with everything at work, scared of being alone, scared of things changing...
I should be excited! New opportunities, the challenge of keeping up and doing it all and meeting new people on the way.
Gods, I hope its just pms. If its not, it means my depression may be coming back.

I don't need anyone else. I have myself. But I'm weak. I want someone to be there for me.

Yeah. I may need chemical courage. If so, goodbye libido. Must have patience tho. Patience in everything.

Everything seemed to be going so well between us. Now things are falling apart all the sudden... I've had to confront him twice in the past 3 weeks cause he's been mopey, last time last night when he came to bed at 230am. I think I maybe got 3 hours of sleep. After we talked it took me a long time to fall asleep... it didn't take him any time at all.

Apparently he's having problems with me... he feels I want too much from him, want more commitment than he wants to give, that I'm being too needy/clingy.

I just want to see him more often. I see him 2 days a week even though we live together. To me, that's like a long distance relationship, so I call him once a day, and he used to call me once a day too, because I felt we needed communication to stay close. He doesn't like talking on the phone tho. He feels me asking what he's been doing during the day is being needy, and that he's got nothing to say.
I want to know if he went to the gym because it helps motivate me and imagine how his day went.
I want to know what he had for dinner--did he go out or eat in? If he went out, then we'll eat in to save money and eat a little healthier. If he ate in, we can eat out as a treat.
I want to know how his coworkers are doing, because I've met them and I know them.
I just want to know how he's doing!
But to him that's being clingy. It's more relationship than he wants right now.

I think we'd do better if we could see eachother more often, but he's fine with spending time with me 2 days a week. He doesn't care to make the effort to look for other jobs or apply to law school like he talks about. I ask him about it, and he gets annoyed.
It is a question as to whether if we did see eachother more often, if he would still see me as needy when I ask him about his day. Is the problem with us, or just the phone?

He also doesnt want to come home, because my place does not feel like a home. He makes it seem physical, like he needs space to himself, with no cat around. This is almost impossible, but I'm willing to change things around, I want him to see it as his home as well.

We worked out some things though.
He said he would see about changing his schedule around so he could come home by 1130 instead of 130 and I could see him a little bit at night.
He's going to look into other, but earlier, jobs at his company.
I will relinquish my calling rights unless its something important, but he has to call me once a day.
Hopefully we can do some rearranging to make my house more comfortable for him.

I finally told him I love him. I didn't think I wanted or needed a response, I just wanted him to know that I really care about him, but he did respond, and it was less than comforting. At least he expressed some affection. It just hurts so much to see that he doesn't want me as much as I want him, to see he's unhappier than I thought, and he's been suppressing it, not wanting to talk about it or try to work it out. It doesnt give me alot of hope. Although he did qualify to say that Fall is often a difficult time for him, mood-wise. So my only hope is that its the season more than me.

I'm sad. And I need to be working instead of typing on here because I have a shitload to do.

It's August... I think in my book that means a new year. School starts, weather changes, new roommates move in :D

Yup, I have a new roommate. So far so good. We still don't see eachother much since we're on different shifts, but I can at least wake up with him next to me. And Albion won't be so lonely... maybe I wont need to get another cat after all (tho I'd still like one)

Work is sooo hectic. My coworker left last week and left me in charge of all her stuff, and its been bizzaaaaay, and very confusing.
Other than that, I'm not sure all that much else has happened.
Oh, I have tomatos. The ripe ones are tiny...they're not supposed to be. And I've been getting bottom rot on some of them :P But they're still very tasty.

I started reading back through my old posts, bringing back memories, floating them before my brain's eyes like ghosts. I see me when I think of my past and I'm not me in them. Its someone else, its another life, another dream.
I think I have as many dreams as memories. I remember my dreams as much as my memories. Reality is definitely questionable now.
Bubbly, cheerful, seeing the brighter side, making jokes...that's what most of my posts are, thats how I act or try to act around everyone but me. How do I act around me? I occupy myself so I dont have to... watch tv, read, cook, play games. If I didn't have those things? Ha! That's when you get thrown in the loony bin for talkin to yourself :P
Anyhow, I feel more bitter than I was then. Perhaps experiences weighing on me? Bastard cheating roommate, lost cat, far flung friends, and stressful job where you have nothing to do, or have too much to do, or have stuff to do but noone can tell you how to do it?
Luckily I'm slowly forgetting, just like how I've forgotten the bad things that happened during the time when I persistently posted cheerful things. Still, some things I want to remember...like how I felt in other relationships. That was the point of my original journey into my livejournal archives. Did I feel this way about other guys I've dated? It hasn't quite been a year yet, and we're not living together either, so will it change? Did it change or was it already different?
Being with him is being cozy. Touching him is like being home. He gives me spine.
Jerry gave me silliness, computers and video games, but I grew up and out and he didnt.
Eric gave me knowledge and ambition, but I needed strength and courage.
Or did I want to be outgoing, which Jerry was....
And did I want to be smart, like Eric was...
And now I want to be strong, like Richie is?

Did I desire the traits or the man first?

I'm going to go read and cook and watch tv now.

Oh yeah, idea: maybe I should have my period more often to get out the gunk R puts up there on a regular basis lol ;D

Hiding out in the scope room, taking pics and writing this journal entry. I still go back and forth between this and myspace. Whatever.
So, I got basil, chives, parsley, tarragon, rosemary, dill, pennyroyal (still dont know what its used for), lavendar, sage, thyme, lemon thyme, and marjoram, plus 2 pots of tomatoes... all on my porch! I also have 2 bird feeders, but any food I put in them is gone in a day. One of them converts to a finch feeder, so I may buy some thistle seed so more of them will come around.
The tomatoes could be doing better... I think its a drainage issue tho, so hopefully they'll start growing now. Oh yeah, I also bought a fuschia plant...it had beautiful blooms...until I brought it home, at which they and all the buds fell off :P
So, R has his motorcycle now. His parents visited before memorial day and then I went sunday/monday to see my family.

Fresh tomato and garden grown basil sandwiches. Corn on the cob. Brown sugar pie. Cantaloupe.

Brought home some tomatoes, and even picked sugar snap peas from my mom's garden to bring home. Still eating on the pinto beans she sent home with me.

This weekend, I've got a 3k walk and a birthday party to attend, and a couple of thick steaks waiting in the fridge to be grilled (buy 1 get one at HT). Last weekend me and R saw pirates 3, went to game night at Rhonda's, and a wedding on Sat. Very cute small wedding. Nice reception...a little uncoordinated at parts, but R only bitched cause he hadn't eaten anything all day, which was his fault :P
Next weekend, emerald pointe, weekend after the beach. Sun sun sun! :D

Ok, so just last month or so me and R bought a Wii... much fun, except I never play it! I'll watch R play Zelda, but between art class taking up 2 nights a week, and now that R is around Friday and Sat (where we play WoW or he plays Zelda and I read), I just haven't got the time. I started on Zelda, but the fishing part got me :(. I also feel like I should be playing more WoW since I am paying for it monthly... to which end I just purchased a new laptop last nite! (just so I can grind while I watch TV, lol) for $600 I got an Acer with AMD Turion 2ghz, 1gig RAM, 120gb Harddrive, 256 dedicated video memory, with windows Vista installed. I don't think I like Vista...
It takes up way too much memory, so I've been trying to take it down to basics and get rid of alot of start programs, but it won't let me! Grr... I may just have to delete everything and install XP. But, we'll see. I think I may just buy more memory and see if that helps... can never have too much memory! :D
So I have gadgets galore, but when it comes down to it, I spend half my free time reading. To save money, and more importantly shelf space, I've rediscovered the public library, lol. I love that I can reserve things online!
But DISCIPLINE. I need to start working out regularly. My coworker has started running and she looks FABULOUS. I would love to actually like running. I think if I got into a routine I could learn to like it. So that's my goal for May. Find a time and place to start running.
Lets see... so in other news...had a boarder who stayed over a month, so that was good $$. I readvertised, but the only hit I got so far was for someone who wants to stay May thru Aug. I'd kind of like to reserve late July for starting to shift things around to prepare for R moving in. So, we shall see.
Oh yeah, and I went to the dermatologist and they put me on creams and things to clear up my acne... its never been horrible, just bothersome...itd be nice to have clear skin, and not worry about makeup (not that I do now anyways! --reminds me of a short ditty: "As a beauty I'm not a star, but my face I do not mind it, for I am the one behind it. Its the ones in front that get the jar!" )
Lets see...anything else...hmm... need summer clothes and nice pants and new shirts...maybe some shizoes... still wanna do yard stuff, but that will probly not come to pass...wanna host some dinners featuring my new icecream maker...we shall see...Albion's good... R's good... Ok, that's it. Back to work for I!

This weather has me itching to be outdoors and planting and have all the windows open... except by the time I get home there's only about an hour of sun left, and this weekend its supposed to be chilly...and I don't have much yard to speak of. Either road, I've plans to put up some screen doors so I can get a good breeze thru my place. The upstairs I have windows, but the middle floor, there's only the door to the deck and the windows in the kitchen. I opened the door last weekend to get some air and a hornet or mud dauber flew in :P Last night I cracked open the bottom floor door while I was exercising and a big skeeter eater flew in. So I definitely need some screens. I can't decide whether to spend the money on some decent real screen doors, or to just tack up some cheap screen. I was hoping to buy a new laptop since I get an extra paycheck in March, but I think that may wait.
Speaking of laptops, my t40 bit the dust. I could get a new mobo and have it repaired for $400, or they would buy it from me for $175. I'm takin the cash. Dell has a good deal on 1.6mhz dual core laptops with 1gig of RAM and like 120 gig harddrive, 256 meg video processor for $699. I'm very tempted. But really, what would I do with it? Play WoW and watch my bigscreen tv at the same time? Surf the internet from my couch? That's about it... So I'm going to put my money into home improvements first. Door screens, some shrubs and flowers, some shelves and artwork. I've got a cool stencil I did of Peaches for art class that I'd like to work on, make it frame-worthy. So yet another project to consider. It all comes down to time and money.
At least I've gotten back to exercising. I feel like I'm not doing enough since I'm at home doing it, but I've been sore most of this week, so I'm doing something right. I went "running"... doing the running for 1 minute, walking for 2... I was SORE! Especially my obliques!
I finally get so see R. tonite. Haven't seen him since Sunday morning. He's gonna be mad 'cause I let albion sleep w/ me, and now there's white cat fur all over the black comforter... But I was lonesome cause he wasn't there! ;D
Maybe if he moves in with me someday, but until then he can't complain too much.

Ooh yeah, Ren Faire next weekend. UNC employees get $$ off.

I had a pretty good weekend, actually, altho R is sick and he kept me up friday and sat. nites. Poor baby, hope he feels better soon. I was doping him up on all my homeopathic remedies...zycam, sucrets defense, airborn. Otherwise, he's starting a new schedule, so I'll be able to see him Friday, Sat, and Sunday AM. And maybe thursday evening some times, depending on if he's doing D&D or not. I won't be able to see him at all Sunday afternoon thru Wed tho, since he wont get out of work till 130am or later. It'll be interesting.
So friday I cooked dinner (an interesting tortilla mexican lasagna concoction, with rice and homemade guacamole...its tasty, but the excessve flatulance may not make it worth it to make again). I also made a lime pie. I had limes left over, basically added sugar and brown sugar, eggs, butter, flour and threw in a graham cracker pie shell. It was definitely not what the recipe called for, esp since I had only 3 eggs and the recipe called for 4. It came out well tho, except for the pie crust edges...they were pretty black.
So yeah, along with my culinary endeavors, I also managed to get my house back into shape, all except for the downstairs, which is fine by me. I got new black shelves that look pretty cool. I need some wall art tho.
So I cooked, and cleaned, and ate too much, but I also starting my "running" regimen sat. morning (probly what gave me the energy to get so much done), and me and R started new horde characters on WoW, and we saw 300, which was great.
So damn, it's just Sunday, and I go so much accomplished!!! :D
Plan for today: Make muffins, go for walk, read, play WoW. Yup, I can schedule in leisure time for today...so excellent. I feel so accomplished!